New Army carbine rejected

Our mailbag was full of positive responses to the article in our imaginary previous issue, entitled “New Army Carbine – It's Here!!!!!!”. The article told about the long-awaited successor to the M16 and M4 weapons family, the XZ-41. The XZ-41, which weighs only 2 pounds, 6 ounces, fires three types of ammunition with barely noticeable recoil and pinpoint accuracy. Conventional 7.62 x 54 rounds, explosively tipped flechettes which can penetrate 6 feet of reinforced concrete, and a rocket-propelled grenade which is launched into the air and detonated by an invisible laser beam. The grenade has a range of 18 km and is capable of exterminating all human life in a grid square.

Despite the capabilities of the XZ-41 system, and its flawless safety record during testing with basic trainees, a panel of government experts recently recommended that funding for the program be dropped..

“Testing showed that the XZ-41 carbine failed to fire one time out of five million when completely immersed in oily sludge,” said Samuel P. Colt VI, the panel chairman, “We can't put a flawed weapon system like that into the hands of our troops.”

“The M16 weapons series was only just developed in 1957,” said panel member Livingston J. Colt IV, “That's a relatively short lifespan for a rifle. For example, the Brown Bess musket was used by British troops from 1697 until 1881. It really takes time for soldiers to get comfortable with a weapon, and it's not something you go changing on a whim.”

“Frankly, the military is not willing to bear the $60 million price tag on this project,” commented panel member Winthrop Boeing III, “The government is having a hard enough time coming up with the $800 billion in funding for the new Turbo Global Joint Strike Superfighter Plane. And my personal view is that in this Global War on Terror, it's irresponsible for our fighter planes not to maintain air supremacy over the enemy's air force. Our troops' lives depend on it.”

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